The Big Time!

August 26, 2009 at 7:57 am | Posted in Spam | 2 Comments
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You know you’ve made it when the subject lines of junk mail mention you by name. So, kudos to you, Rachael Ray (or, as my Spam folder indicates, “Rachel Ray”) for having such amazing weight loss success with the Acai Berry Solution; and to you, Larry King, for discovering an alternative CanadienPharmacy; and, apparently, I deserve congratulations, too!

Despite a blunt message from “Laran Steiner” about finding a cure for my “stupid face,” I am proud to report that I have earned a surfeit of advanced degrees. In fact, I have received and/or been nominated for 117 master’s degrees within the past month alone.

Here’s the kicker – I didn’t even study for these! I don’t apply for them! They just gave ‘em to me! That’s how smart I am. In fact, I now have so many advanced degrees that Facebook and LinkedIn don’t even have enough spaces per page for me to list them all. I am, apparently, totally overqualified for pretty much everything. But I’m willing to dismiss my full potential to live and work with the common folk who need fewer tacky frames on their office walls.

In addition to learning that my intellect is so valued, spam mail has also shared very thought-provoking issues with me. Granted, I don’t actually read any of these emails (I am, as you’ve heard, smarter than someone who would fall for that), but their subjects always pique my curiosity. For example, here are some of the fun facts I’ve received in the past week:

· Simone Mora sent this message: “Summer is coming! Are you ready?” Well, Simone, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, since you sent this email on August 25, I may respond with the dates of the solstices and equinoxes. How embarrassing for you!

· Astrid Shehab wrote: “I offer you strange deal.” This is intriguing… picture Astrid typing the subject in a remote castle in a far away land some dark and stormy night. What could this “strange deal” be? Supernatural powers? All the gold in Transylvania? Or, is it simply a lunch-time trade offer of her Twinkie for my dirty socks? We may never know – but we can be assured that it was strange.

· Ashley Gipson sent me an interesting proposal: “Now you can receive the pleasure of this life again.” Not to be morbid, but is dear Ashley implying that I’m deceased already? And furthermore, that I can be resurrected in order to experience hugs and taste chocolate cake again? Perhaps I shouldn’t have blacklisted her after all…

· Brandie Simpson wrote: “Enjoy the delicious taste of having a monster in your pants.” I don’t even know where to go with this one… Let’s all take a minute to reflect on this… and move on…

· And, last but certainly not least, Mona Avery sent a very helpful email entitled: “Beware fake enhancement products.” Goodness knows I receive a lot of spam about enhancement products (don’t look at me like that – you do, too!), but sometimes it is so hard to tell the fake ones from the real ones. So thank heavens for you, Mona. Perhaps someday you’ll find your name in the subject of a junk email, too, and you will know you’ve finally made it to the big time, just like Rachael, Larry and me!



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  1. you girls are the best! thanks for making my evening!-"Liza"

  2. Thanks, Liza dear 🙂 XO

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