Goal: A Halfway Decent Bride

April 22, 2010 at 9:19 am | Posted in Married Life | 12 Comments
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Sarah is a sub-par bride. She’s lazy, clueless and just doesn’t seem to care. Or at least that’s what I learned from the interwebs this week.

You see, I was doing some research on the goggle about frugal-chic wedding centerpieces for her. And I found some great ideas. But Sarah is apparently too far behind the proverbial ball to make it work. She hasn’t been growing her own flowers and/or fruits and vegetables to decorate the reception tables. She doesn’t even have a yard in which to grow said nonexistent vegetation! She only has a container garden. A CONTAINER GARDEN! It is embarrassing.

Image from Twirl Boutique's blog...

When I queried her on the location of her bridal garden, she looked at me as if I were a three-headed dog person speaking Martian. She was completely unaware of the necessity of growing your own bouquets and centerpieces. It’s like she’s trying to fail at being a bride.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to discover what other preparations she must undertake in order to be a halfway decent bride. Because with a bridal garden out of the question, let’s face it, halfway decent is about as good as she can get. But I pretty much eloped, so I only know what the interwebs tell me.

It’s hard out there for a lackluster bride and an inexperienced bride boss-around-er. So I ask you, dear reader(s), what must our lovely Sarah be doing in order to be a real bride?

And how does one go about picking a DJ, anyway?



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  1. Well, I’m sure she’s hard at work every night sewing her own wedding dress, right? And preparing to hand bead the decoration?

    No? Best get cracking!

    • Yes’m… (scribbling that onto my to do list)… I’m also learning how to play six instruments so I can be a one-lady band at our reception.

      • PS I love people who share my name… with the proper spelling, especially 😉 Which Sarah are you? XO

  2. No DJ! No DJ! Their job is being annoying and embarrassing and playing hits of the 70s so loud that no one can talk to each other. Hire a nice jazz quartet and you won’t have to suffer through endless repetitions of YMCA and Brown Eyed Girl.

    • Hey, Macarena! …shudder…

  3. I assume Sarah has already been taking baking classes so she may be able to bake her own cake, right? And the chickens for dinner are plumping up someplace? Honestly though, my florist recommended a DJ and he turned out really great. ASk you reception site and other service providers who they’ve worked with. I think it’s good if your DJ has worked at the reception site before because he’ll already know the manager and how things are done there….wedding planning.. shudder.

    • Thanks for the tips, O.S. Very helpful! As for the chickens, I’m hand-feeding them organic corn (though I didn’t grow the corn myself 😦 and giving them free run of my apartment – they particularly enjoy my side of the bed). I’m also currently doing some serious weight-training so I can carry the 16 layer cake I’ll be baking on my own.

      I’m a HORRIBLE bride! But Andrew loves me anyway 😉

  4. Agreed with earlier comment – “wedding planning”… shudder

    Really to be a half way decent bride – I’m sure that you began planning this event in your minds eye 20 years ago, so you are now fully prepared to answer questions like “what have you always dreamed that your flowers would look like?” (expectant face shoved right in front of yours). As I had not, I was unable to answer this question and left stumbling in the judgy silence that ensued. My bad bride self found another florist who gave me her ideas that I then agreed with :). Getting recommendations from other vendors is great advice – I found my DJ and Caterer from our location coordinator. Best of luck.

    • Yes, Brooke – that’s exactly what happens: the evil, uncomfortable “judgy silence!” Ick!!
      And in addition to horrible silences, I also get the rude comments. For example when we called DJs about availability, one actually laughed and said: “10/10/10?!? I booked that a year and half ago! What’s taking you so long to get to this? Did you JUST get engaged?” Groan.

  5. Sorry, it’s too late now. If this wedding wasn’t pre-planned by the time she got her first period, it’s hopeless. But I’ll give it a try.

    Even if the flowers and vegetables don’t work out, there should at least be an appropriately-hued berry patch so Sarah can properly color the dyed-to-match shoes for the other women in attendance?

    Your first commenter was S#1, by the way. Who knows ALL about being a bad bride, given that she didn’t even have a groom when she got married. FAIL.


      S#1, I should have known from the clever comment! There are far too many Sarah’s without numbers to keep track of 😉

      • PS If I start said berry patch now, will I have enough time to grow enough natural dye for everyone’s shoes? Or, with less than six months, have I messed up yet again?

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