Still Dieting

March 9, 2010 at 10:30 am | Posted in Office Humor | 10 Comments
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It is week three of our modified eating plan. But it feels like week 647. Tensions are running high. Yesterday I threw part of my granola bar at Sarah after what I interpreted to be a rather snide remark. Innocent bystander Rhymes-With-Cannon assures me it was innocuous. The bit of granola that I threw landed in Sarah’s ear. True story.* Then I tumbled into a black hole of despair when I realized that was my last granola bar. And Sarah gloated after retrieving said bit of granola. If I were like Drew Barrymore in “Firestarter,” Sarah would have spontaneously combusted.

Between hunger pains, carb and chocolate cravings and fiber grouchiness, we are slowly growing hostile. Oh, and someone — Schmargaret, I’m looking at you — thought my desk was the best location for a three-gallon bowl of mini candy bars. I can smell the sugar whenever someone rifles through the selection of delectable treats horrid love-handle makers.

On the plus side, we’re becoming more productive as our colleagues are growing frightened of us. And Sarah “backed herself into a new pair of pants,” according to RWC. Huzzah!

~April

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Chico’s So Slimming Jeans for the Already Slim

August 27, 2012 at 9:26 am | Posted in TV (The Boob Tube) | 19 Comments
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As you know, dear reader(s), it’s been a while since I last blogged, so you can bet I have some pent-up inconsequential angst to share.  Today I’d like to take out my irrational wrath on the Chico’s So Slimming™ commercials. 

So Slimming Jeans

Wow! Chico’s So Slimming(TM) Jeans make skinny women look skinny!

As a gal with fairly obvious love handles (I wouldn’t want love to just slip away – it needs something to hold on to!) and who has been pretty open about battling my own personal bulge, I’m the target audience for such slenderizing apparel*. 

You know who doesn’t need said minimizing pantaloons?  The lady dancing like a fool in their commercials (which air CONSTANTLY, I might add). 

Click here for one of the ads I’m talking about…

I can practically see this little dancing diva’s hip bones!!  Honestly, Chico’s, let’s get real.  Advertising slimming jeans on a skinny lady does NOTHING for your target customer except perhaps generate resentment. 

You want to prove these pants are worth their weight in advertising claims?  Put a REAL woman in the pants!  And for Twinkies’ sake, quit perpetuating the stereotype that even the healthiest of women could still stand to lose a few lbs. (or at least appear as if she has lost that last pesky ounce – that she’s sure everyone notices – thanks to these miracle pants)!  Enough!       

Shame on you, Chico’s!

 

* Though granted, perhaps a decade or two too young for this particular brand.

The Great HindJew Pact of 2012

January 25, 2012 at 11:00 am | Posted in Heebs, Home Ownership, In The Kitchen, Married Life | 4 Comments
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When I last obsessed about focused on my “healthy lifestyle initiative” (who am I kidding?  Let’s call a spade a spade: my diet), I was desperately trying to be the perfect bride. Since that time, I got hitched, got a new gig, bought a fixer-upper and started to fix it up, and, as a result, resumed eating my feelings. And I have a LOT of feelings. So now there’s a lot more of me to love than in my wedding photos…

Enter my gal pal and colleague, Dipika, and our brand new initiative: The Great HindJew Pact of 2012. Together Dipika and I are vowing to battle the bulge, to rediscover our skinny jeans and, most importantly, to feel better about ourselves. How? By making smarter food choices (cough cough portion size cough cough) and committing to a torture regular exercise routine.

Why am I telling you this? Well, we read somewhere that “publicly declaring your goals significantly enhances your chance of success.” So yeah, we’re using you. Thanks for your inadvertent assistance!

And if you’d like to join us in The Great HindJew Pact of 2012, we will welcome you with soon-to-be-unflabby arms!

Diet Update: Gluttony Ahead!

June 7, 2010 at 11:22 am | Posted in Married Life | 8 Comments
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It has been 3.5 months since we started our healthy eating initiative, and it hasn’t been easy.  April and I have bravely faced hallucinations, crumb cravings and oat incidents, we’ve eaten a few too many helpings of humble pie, dreamed of mythical nourishment and even researched alternative eating plans.  And despite all these obstacles, we persevere in the name of becoming a slender bride (yours truly) and a healthy mommy (Arpil).     

I started today with a bowl of rabbit food (aka Fiber One) and banana for breakfast.  It was boring, fibertastic and completely uninspiring.  And with 125 days left until my nuptials, I’m looking at a many more blasé breakfasts… so I decided that it’s time to start focusing on something that will make me VERY happy: gluttony.  

This is just the start... October 11, 2010, here I come!

 

In 126 days, I plan to enjoy all the foods I miss in whatever quantity I can hold in my ever-shrinking stomach!  My first thoughts were about chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting, nachos, ice cream, cheeseburgers, milkshakes, pizza and biscuits.  My next thoughts were… no, I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on those foods.  Mmmmm…    

What, dear reader(s), would you enjoy on your first day of off-diet-gluttony… errr, I mean marriage? 

~Sarah

Humble Pie: April & Sarah Revisit Their Diet

April 12, 2010 at 8:05 am | Posted in Misc. | 6 Comments
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It has been over a month since April and I started our “healthy eating initiative.” The first week was mind-boggling, the second week made us cranky, the third week was chock full of desperation, week four was smelly, week five was less-than-carbtastic, and last week was, well, let’s just call it a splurge.

Mmmm...

We admit it: we hit the D.D.D. phase (during diet doldrums). We ate with abandon. We celebrated April’s birth with ice cream cake and lunches out with Shmarge, RWC and Snarky Love. We drank beer and fruity cocktails (not to excess, and only at special occasions… but still not on the plan), we snacked, and snacked, and snacked some more, and enjoyed every minute of it! That is, every minute until our weekly weigh-in.

So here we are, eating a virtual slice of humble pie (mmmm… pie… no! Focus, Sarah – no more pie!) by publicly announcing the error of our ways and rededicating ourselves to healthier choices.
 
Pass the celery, please… Sigh.

~Sarah

April and Sarah Go on a Diet: Mythical Nourishment and Mortal Imaginations

March 24, 2010 at 9:04 am | Posted in Around Boston, In The Kitchen | 4 Comments
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Other than hallucinations, crumb cravings and oat incidents, April and I have weathered our new “healthy eating plan” well, and have made it through week four without seriously injuring anyone.

Awesome...

During these long, calorie-deprived weeks, I’m fairly certain that our sense of smell has become much keener. Take, for example, our commute home yesterday: as we speed-walked (sped-walked? That can’t be right!) past the Domino’s in Boston’s West End, the scent of pizza wafted into our noses. We nearly stopped (pedestrian) traffic as we came to a screeching halt in front of the pizzeria… And yes, my boot CAN make screeching halts. The aroma of freshly baked dough tickled our noses as the sweet yet slightly acidic tomato sauce and salty, oily scent of melting cheese tantalized us. We gazed longingly toward the pizza shop that, just two months ago during P.D. (Pre-Diet, as that era is called), wouldn’t have given us pause, and wondered if heaven might smell just like that.

As we continued our commute, my erudite friend and I began discussing Ambrosia, sustenance of the Greek gods (and we may also have discussed the more plebeian version of ambrosia – the coconut, fruit cocktail and marshmallow “salad” that April craved when she was preggers but which turns my stomach… That’s not the point… You know how we get distracted… Focus, dear reader(s)).

We may even have expressed our hope that heaven includes an all you can eat gourmet cafeteria that specializes in pizza, chocolate cake, honey roasted peanut butter, milk shakes, nachos, ice cream, beer, cookies, spiced nuts, etc. (Are you there G-d? It’s me, Booty).

Anyway, the heightened sense of smell sounds like a delightful bonus to our slightly more svelte figures, right? Unfortunately our super-sensitive shmekkers also pick up the unpleasant scents, too. For example, walking through a certain neighborhood that shall be left unnamed (but rhymes with seekin’ thrill), we are occasionally accosted by a scent that can only be described as “fish diapers.” Yes, if baby fish ate other fish and wore diapers, that’s what it would smell like on garbage day on seekin’ thrill. Which seems to occur more than once a week. Shudder.

At least the fish diaper smell curbs our appetites!

Here’s to continued success – and nose plugs – in the D.D. (during diet) era!

~Sarah

Insert Title

March 12, 2010 at 8:58 am | Posted in Misc. | 2 Comments
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April and I love blogging. We love finding new and amusing ways to look at potentially frustrating daily occurrences. I mean, where else do we get to vent about cringe-worthy commutes, dieting doldrums, wedding wackiness, silly signs and all the other small stuff we try not to sweat over!  

April & Sarah Love Mugs for All Occasions

But sometimes… well… you might want to sit down for this: sometimes we find ourselves without witticisms! Yes, we admit it: we suffer from blogger’s block every now and then. I know, it’s shocking. But true. Some days it is hard to find the funny bits of life; sometimes a delayed train, a stinky work day and an aching ankle sap all our mental capacity: sometimes eating our weight in celery and raw broccoli isn’t a gas (it may cause it, but…never mind); sometimes we even find ourselves speechless.  

Clearly this isn’t one of those times, but trust me when I tell you that it has happened.  

Happy Friday, dear reader(s)!  

~Sarah

April & Sarah Go on a Diet: Dr. Wilderrol and Mrs. Hoofington

March 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Posted in In The Kitchen, Misc. | 21 Comments
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As you may know, April and I started our “healthy eating plan” (aka diet, but that’s a taboo word these days) about a week ago and, as part of our commitment to keep it up, we will be updating you, our dear reader(s), on our progress every now and again. Day One wasn’t too bad, though it was a little confusing. Week One is, well, let’s just say it is more trying. Especially for those around us. Witness our normally joyful coffee break:

Even coffee cannot bring joy to a dieting Wilderrol...

You see, April and I have been a little grouchy lately*. So much so that we are starting to resemble that famous personality disordered-fellow of literary fame, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Except we’re more like Dr. Wilderrol and Mrs. Hoofington…

Andrew and I once heard someone mispronounce the phrase “in a huff” as “in a hoof.” Apparently it stuck, and now whenever I’m less than patient and pleasant, he lovingly refers to me as Mrs. Hoofington. Shockingly, that little moniker doesn’t do much for talking me down off my emotional ledge! But I admit that occasionally the nickname is warranted. For example: April and I nearly came to blows over a piece of her oats and honey granola bar.

En route to our train after a particularly difficult day, our stomachs started talking. Truth be told, they were exchanging fighting words (grumbles?). And then it happened… we both noticed that April had a single oat stuck between her teeth from the oh-so-delicious granola bar she had eaten for afternoon snack. And that oat looked mighty tasty… She pried it out, held it up triumphantly and cried: “Snack time for me!” and then cackled like a crazed witch in a kid’s movie. As she started to put the delicate morsel on her tongue, I lunged. It was an out-of-body experience: my hunger drove me to violence! And April, well, April is pretty scrappy and she responded in kind.

Picture a scene from The Matrix (The Oat?) or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (Crunching Tiger Hidden Crumb?) – except instead of trained assassins and ninjas, it was two gals on a diet, and instead of some futuristic alternate reality or lush arboretum, we were standing on a busy thoroughfare in Boston’s West End. Yeah. Not our best day…

(Okay, so that may not have actually happened, but that’s exactly how we both played it out in our minds!)

Desperately Seeking Snacks,
Sarah

*Don’t get us wrong, there have been other factors at play regarding our “baditudes”… but we’ll blame the diet!

Happy Pig Day!

March 1, 2010 at 10:50 am | Posted in In The Kitchen, Misc. | 4 Comments
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Today is a big day for me.  It’s National Pig Day!!!  And you know I love the pig.  In all honesty, I don’t know what National Pig Day really entails.  Sure, I’m a fan on Facebook, but I haven’t done any research into this amazing holiday.  What I do know is that Mike and I will be consuming Italian sausage tonight (yeah, I’m dieting and eating sausage.  Deal.)  And as a treat for you, my faithful reader(s), here is My Ode to the Pig:

Pink and squealy,
Slightly hairy,
You had me at bacon.
Pork chops, pork loin,
Divine porcine.
Wilbur, Arnold Ziffel, Porky Pig and Piglet, too.
My doctor says you’re bad for me,
But I just can’t quit you.

I apologize.  Poetry is not my strong point.

~April

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