The Great HindJew Pact of 2012

January 25, 2012 at 11:00 am | Posted in Heebs, Home Ownership, In The Kitchen, Married Life | 4 Comments
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When I last obsessed about focused on my “healthy lifestyle initiative” (who am I kidding?  Let’s call a spade a spade: my diet), I was desperately trying to be the perfect bride. Since that time, I got hitched, got a new gig, bought a fixer-upper and started to fix it up, and, as a result, resumed eating my feelings. And I have a LOT of feelings. So now there’s a lot more of me to love than in my wedding photos…

Enter my gal pal and colleague, Dipika, and our brand new initiative: The Great HindJew Pact of 2012. Together Dipika and I are vowing to battle the bulge, to rediscover our skinny jeans and, most importantly, to feel better about ourselves. How? By making smarter food choices (cough cough portion size cough cough) and committing to a torture regular exercise routine.

Why am I telling you this? Well, we read somewhere that “publicly declaring your goals significantly enhances your chance of success.” So yeah, we’re using you. Thanks for your inadvertent assistance!

And if you’d like to join us in The Great HindJew Pact of 2012, we will welcome you with soon-to-be-unflabby arms!

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I Stabbed My Husband… OR, Passover 2011: Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

April 19, 2011 at 4:30 pm | Posted in Heebs, Married Life | 12 Comments
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Last night I stabbed my husband. 
In the thigh. 
With an EpiPen. 
And then the police and EMTs paid us a house call and took us away with sirens a-blarin’.

Now, before I get into the details, I want to assure you all that Andrew is doing well, so don’t panic!  He’s tired, bruised (I really clocked him!), and doping just like his major league heroes (poppin’ those ‘roids like a champ), but considering what could have happened, he’s on the mend and feeling pretty darn good. 

It all started with a well-meaning Passover Seder, a ceremony in which we Yids retell the story of the Exodus to remind ourselves how lucky we are today, and how much work we have left to do in the world to help others who are less fortunate.  My dad (a.k.a. Rhymes-With-Father-of-the-Bride, or RWFOTB, for you abbreviators) and brother decided to shake things up this year and encourage us all not only to participate in the service, but to really challenge ourselves to experience the Exodus. 

Apparently my good Catholic husband inadvertently took that a little too seriously (but gosh, I love him even more for participating).  Either that or he’d do almost anything to avoid matzo…

‘Whoodles, a little miscommunication triggered an allergic reaction to nuts, which led to my stabbing Andrew in the thigh with epinephrine, which gave emergency personnel in West Hartford a little something to do on a quiet Monday evening, which necessitated a harrowing ambulance ride, and culminated in a glorious almost six hours in the emergency room waiting around and wishing we were noshing on my momma’s famous brisket, my aunt Shirley’s soothing matzo ball soup, and my craveable chocolate and caramel covered matzo.  As we Heebs say: Dayenu! 

Happy matzo to all, and to all a good night!

Man Jew of the Year

February 11, 2011 at 11:04 am | Posted in Famous!, Heebs | 4 Comments
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N.B.: Our blog will return to more general (read: snarky) topics soon – please don’t give up on us just because we’re pushing Heb (or “Heeb,” as RWFOTB says is correct) popularity contests lately!

Well, dear reader(s), we’re pleased to report that my future sister-in-law made the first round of Jewish Girl of the Year her b*tch! Holla (or as we Yids say, Challah!).  Now it’s time to vote for Jewish Guy of the Year, and we’ve got a superstar candidate to push on you: my brother! 

Bieber fever's got nothin' on this future Heb of the Year! Just ask the lady in the blue dress behind my broslice...

That’s right, “Spencer G.” is in the running for Man Jew of the Year and we think you should vote for him.  Why?  Well, it’s not because he’s the best candidate and is dedicated to making the world a better place for everyone, particularly victims of genocide (in memory of our grandmother).  It’s because if I’m related to both the prom king and queen of the Jewish people, I’m pretty sure I’ll get some sweet rewards. 

Reservations at a super exclusive, trendy restaurant?  Check.  I’ll just waltz in, say the magical phrase “do you know who I am??” (this time I’ll have something kick ass to follow that up with: I’m the Most Popular Jews’ Sister, fool!!), and instantly kick someone like Tom Cruise or Justin Bieber out of their table. 

Free swag?  You know it!  When the paparazzi follow Rachel C. and Spencer G. around, they’ll see me awkwardly tagging along, messing up all their photos.  And retailers around the world will know what a great product placement opportunity this is! If I’m gonna be in every photo of the couple imaginable, I may as well look hot. Birkin bag? I’ll take two. Diamond and platinum shoes? Bring ’em on. Chopard Super Ice Watch? Doesn’t matter that I can’t tell time on it – I’d rock it anyway.       

So vote for Spencer as Man Jew of the Year and maybe I’ll remember you when I’m famous (by association).

Dos besos,

Sarah

Jew of the Year

February 3, 2011 at 9:03 am | Posted in Famous!, Heebs | 3 Comments

You may recall that the future sister-in-law of my bloggier half is in the running for Jew of the Year. Amazing, right? However, I hear that she is not in the lead, and there are only a few days left to vote. Now, I’m not blaming any of our faithful readers, because I know you all voted often and early for Rachel Cohen. So who is to blame?

Rachel Cohen.

That’s right, Rachel Cohen, you missed a huge opportunity. You should have hired the Wilderrols as your campaign managers. With a little notice, we could have run a bang-up campaign. We probably wouldn’t have even had to resort to smearing your opponents. Probably.

Picture this: Campaign buttons (Vote Rachel Cohen!) T-shirts (Rachel Cohen: Super-Jew). Phone banking (“Hello kind sir. Have you voted for Rachel Cohen? She truly is Jew of the Year!”). Press releases, speeches, town hall meetings… You get the idea. I don’t want to give away all our secrets for free.

And speaking of payment, we’re a pretty good value. You get all our strategizing and elbow grease for the price of a little matzoh and Manischewitz. Ok, that’s just my fee. Sarah prefers greenbacks. And I’d probably top the matzoh with prosciutto. But did I mention I was a key adviser strategist worker volunteer multi-day laborer on Hilary’s New Hampshire primary campaign? That counts for something, right?

Rachel, I know you’re our most loyal reader. And the Wilderrols believe in you. So next year, please believe in us. Together we can make it happen!

~April

Rachel Cohen: Jew of the Year.

Shiksa of the Year

January 27, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Heebs | 10 Comments
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I just found out something so amazing that I absolutely have to share it with my dear reader(s). Prepare to have your mind blown. The Chosen People have banded together to determine which Jewish male and female so embody the true Heb spirit as to be honored as Jewish Guy/Girl of the Year. Even more incredible? My bloggier half’s brother and future sister-in-law are in the running!

I’ll pause so you can peruse the candidates and make a worthy selection (hint: Rachel C. is a good – nay, the best – choice, but we Wilderrols are biased). Full disclosure: I haven’t read the rules. However, I’m fairly confident that anyone can vote, regardless of religion. Unless you’re a Scientologist.

Courtesy of Little Miss Sunshine

I'm not saying this would be my skill during the talent portion, but I'm not saying it wouldn't, either...

Now that you’ve exercised your pick of one descendant of David over another, allow me to highlight a woeful omission on the part of the contest’s creators: there is no Shiksa of the Year. And as someone who has been bestowed an honorary membership in The Tribe (not to be confused with the Cleveland Indians, which is also known as the tribe.  Whoa.  Baseball trivia.  I only know that because I dated a half-heb who was a die-hard Yankees fan when they beat the Indians during the 1998 ALCS.  You should also know I had to consult the winkipedia for accuracy.), I feel I should be in the running. And here’s why:

1. Yes, I love me some pig. But I like to think of my pork consumption as doing the dirty work so the Chosen People don’t have to. Don’t worry, Hebs, I’ll always eat your bacon! And yeah, I know that sounds very inappropriate.

2. I’m about to make the world of inter-religious couples a little easier. Without letting the proverbial feline out of the knapsack, I can tell you that Sarah and I have embarked upon a joint venture to prevent oopsies like questioning the contents of “the Gifts” during a Catholic service or donning a yarmulke at a jaunty 45 degree angle.

3. My favorite topic of conversation? Food. This is most likely a direct result of Italian heritage. But if you’ve ever spoken to me after I’ve attended an sort of affair in which food was even vaguely present, you know what I’m talking about. I might not be able to remember anyone’s name, but I can provide you with a detailed description of every edible creation in the establishment.  And from tasting some of the delicacies of Sarah’s heritage, I say yum, bring it on!

4. I like saving money. In fact, prior to penning this post I organized my coupons. Because that’s what I do.

I’m confident there are many other reasons that I would be an ideal candidate for Shiksa of the Year (were someone to create such an honor). However, I don’t like to brag. But if someone else wants to brag on my behalf, I wouldn’t turn down the honor. So let’s get this pageant started, shall we? If it would help, I’d even don an evening gown and bathing suit a la Miss America. Although you may want to wait until the Kinect has kicked my tuchas into gear.

~April

Reader’s Mailbag: Kosher Fail

May 3, 2010 at 12:24 pm | Posted in Heebs | Leave a comment
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Dear Sarah,
Erika and I thought you might appreciate this on this lovely Monday morning 🙂
 ~ Sarah and Erika

Yup, that's a Kosher Fail!

 

Dear Sarah (#1) and Erika,

What a riot!  Thank you for sending this delightfully trayf  image my way.  We adore reader feedback 🙂 We also adore FAIL blog which does, in fact, make us feel better about ourselves daily. 

But I must say, knowing how much my bloggier half loves devouring pig-based foods, and how close she is to practically becoming an honorary member of the Tribe (that’s really the only hang-up in her application… darn her love of bacon!), I can only assume how much false hope this sort of headlines gives to shiksas like her.  It’s almost cruel…

So, congratulations Ray “Bacon”… and thank you, Sarah and Erika, for being such good reader gumshoes!

XO,

Sarah (#2)

Carbs Are Back on the Menu!!!

April 7, 2010 at 11:06 am | Posted in Heebs | 5 Comments
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Today is a special day. The ban on carbs has passed over my Hebrew friends. That means my co-blogger can return to her normal bread-loving state.

It’s been a tough eight days. Yet I am happy to report that Sarah maintained her good Jewish girl roots (with a little help from a certain shiksa). Of course, a little self-sacrifice on my end means I may need to spice up my workout this week. You see, every Passover I feel it is my duty to protect Sarah from leavened temptations. So I eat all the trayf items and tell her how awful they were. I’m a good friend. Just a few days ago I had to snatch the pita that came with her salad and shove it down my gullet before the bread demons beckoned. And yesterday morning I walked into our office kitchen to find this:

Banana Nut Cake

I deemed this Banana Butt Cake so Sarah wouldn't be tempted.

So I scrambled to hide the devilish banana nut cake. I was in a rush and didn’t have much to work with. But I was able to hide the offender. Not a bad job, right?

Don't mind me, I'm just a pile of menus.

Alas, Sarah is too smart for me. Fortunately, Passover ended last night. And here’s Sarah with her dinner.

naan

Mmmm... bread basket....

Happy return to Leavened Land, friends!

~April

Happy No Carb Day!

March 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm | Posted in Heebs | 1 Comment
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If you think being on a diet is bad, try going on a diet and eschewing carbs.  That’s a sad, sad day.  Unless you are a member of the tribe, in which case you are celebrating Passover.  And that’s a good thing.  Because my understanding is that Passover is a happy holiday.  I liken it to Easter.  Except whereas we Christians celebrate a miraculous rising, the Chosen People refuse risen food products.  And the basis for the holidays is totally different.  Although, according to the Winkopedia, some people say the Last Supper was actually a Passover meal…  I say potato pancake, Sarah says latke.  <shrug>

Passover cat

Anyway, Chag Sameach, my Jewish friends!  I hope your matzoh is appropriately unleavened and that your gefilte fish is… delicious(?).

~April

Reporting Live from Xmas Morning!

December 25, 2009 at 11:00 am | Posted in Heebs, Married Life | 2 Comments
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This is Sarah Wilderrol reporting live from my first Christmas morning with the future in-laws…

Frankly, I love it! I made out like a bandit (see photo below!), and have yet to completely embarrass myself (visions of my future sister-in-law’s Confirmation are dancing in my head).

This time, TV didn’t lie*. Thanks to the storm last weekend, the ground is covered in a lovely layer of nearly-white snow. And this morning we got to:

  • Wear my favorite attire (pj’s!) all morning – and thanks to my thoughtful co-blogger I even had festive slipper socks (monkeys on sleds – it doesn’t get much cuter than that)
  • Feast on non-shellfish delicacies (apple cinnamon pancakes!! And I hear this afternoon’s meal will include twice-baked potatoes AND roast beef – huzzah from the Heb!)
  • Climb over mountains of wrapping paper ripped with gusto off the thoughtful gifts we received from each other
  • And enjoy lots of quiet family time.
I could get used to this!

~Sarah

*I’m still mad at TV for misrepresenting Christmas Eve. Seriously, talk about false promises! TV can be such a jerk…

Holiday Shenanigans!

December 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm | Posted in Heebs | Leave a comment
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Merry Christmas Eve, dear reader(s)! To kick off the holiday and my first full Xmas with my future in-laws, I thought I’d bring you a great example of interfaith understanding and bargains! Apparently a grocery store in Texas was advertising the following deal:
Come get a great deal on your Hanukkah ham!

And a special thanks to Rhymes-With-Rad for passing that picture my way 🙂

Happy Holidays,
Sarah

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