Chico’s So Slimming Jeans for the Already Slim

August 27, 2012 at 9:26 am | Posted in TV (The Boob Tube) | 19 Comments
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As you know, dear reader(s), it’s been a while since I last blogged, so you can bet I have some pent-up inconsequential angst to share.  Today I’d like to take out my irrational wrath on the Chico’s So Slimming™ commercials. 

So Slimming Jeans

Wow! Chico’s So Slimming(TM) Jeans make skinny women look skinny!

As a gal with fairly obvious love handles (I wouldn’t want love to just slip away – it needs something to hold on to!) and who has been pretty open about battling my own personal bulge, I’m the target audience for such slenderizing apparel*. 

You know who doesn’t need said minimizing pantaloons?  The lady dancing like a fool in their commercials (which air CONSTANTLY, I might add). 

Click here for one of the ads I’m talking about…

I can practically see this little dancing diva’s hip bones!!  Honestly, Chico’s, let’s get real.  Advertising slimming jeans on a skinny lady does NOTHING for your target customer except perhaps generate resentment. 

You want to prove these pants are worth their weight in advertising claims?  Put a REAL woman in the pants!  And for Twinkies’ sake, quit perpetuating the stereotype that even the healthiest of women could still stand to lose a few lbs. (or at least appear as if she has lost that last pesky ounce – that she’s sure everyone notices – thanks to these miracle pants)!  Enough!       

Shame on you, Chico’s!


* Though granted, perhaps a decade or two too young for this particular brand.

Runnin’ on Empty…

July 21, 2010 at 8:35 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments
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After all the hullabaloo surrounding Factinis & Factomelettes these past two days, we thought a nice, tame post is just what the doctor would order (if we regularly went to see a medical professional about our blog), so today I will be espousing our views about politics, religion, abortions, PETA and other, more relaxed topics than travel and tourism. Just kidding!  

Today I shall regale you with tales of my latest fitness craze: C25K! That’s right: I’m purposely prying myself away from a heavenly couch to run five kilometers. More accurately: I’m prying myself away from the comfy couch (that may or may not have a delightful indentation matching the size and shape of my rump) to attempt to train to eventually run five kilometers. Tomaytoe, tomaaahtoe.  

I shall be a couch potato no more...


While I know three miles (give or take a few wheezes) may not sound terribly impressive to our more athletically-prowessed (yup, I just made up my own word) readers, for a gal who had spine surgery just a few short years ago, 5k is pretty darn awesome.  

And I’m not going it alone! My neighbor, Rhymes With Tinny (also known as Tirginia) got me started on this nine week adventure and we’ve been sweating and complaining together all summer. Yesterday we finished week six and thus far we have been able to employ some helpful tactics to power through the training including:  

  • Singing about our aches and pains
  • Solving each other’s personal crises in excruciating detail to distract ourselves
  • Over-analyzing everything (see above)
  • Picturing ourselves with “runners’ bodies”
  • And lots of encouragement and praise

But we have a funny feeling that weeks seven-nine won’t be the cake walk we are hoping for.  From here on out, it’s pain central!   



Work it, Girl!

June 9, 2010 at 7:46 am | Posted in Around Boston | 6 Comments
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One of our dear reader(s) recently brought an interesting fact to my attention: when blogging about our health initiatives, April and I usually obsess about discuss food, and grant very little blog-space to the other parts of the healthy lifestyle trifecta: exercise and attitude/mental state.  So today’s post will include a few of our super fitness finds! 

For example, we all know that April is obsessed with As Seen on TV products like the Bump-it, Ped-Egg, Strap Perfect, and even Pro Caulk (courtesy of Schmatti).  What you may not know is that I, too, have an As Seen on TV obsession, only mine is strictly related to fitness products.  

As Andrew can attest, there’s a corner of our living room devoted to said obsession.  We’ve got the Bender Ball, Tae Bo and Billy’s Boot Camp (complete with Billy Bands), Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred, and even a VHS of 8 Minute Abs (with Jaime Brenkus – you know you remember this guy)!  

The godfather of sweat! I ❤ Richard Simmons


I’ve loved and used them all over the years.  They’re like gym friends – you know, the ones you smile half-heartedly at when you meet near the elliptical because you know you shouldn’t go so long between visits, and when you do get around to working out, you want to impress them with how toned and in-shape you are (to make up for not seeing them in a while) so you work too hard, end up in pain and then quit again until the guilt gets to be too much?  No?  Just me?  Never mind.  

Anyway, despite my love of infomercial-based fitness equipment, I do NOT have the Shake Weight (because it seems a little… ummmm… yeah… not family-friendly) or the AB Transform (because I’m not sure even the best infomercial could sell me on “EMS” – electro muscular stimulation).  With that said, I’m not against trying these products – I’m just against spending my own money on ’em.  If any of our dear reader(s) have used these products before, do tell!!  

Alternatively, if you want a full report about them from yours truly (I vow to spare no details), feel free to purchase them on my behalf!  That goes for you, too, As Seen on TV company – I welcome the chance to review your fine (and sometimes moderately sketchy) products. 

Yours in fitness fun time, 


April & Sarah’s Separation: Day 1, Update 3

April 26, 2010 at 1:33 pm | Posted in Around Boston, Office Humor | 3 Comments
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There’s a plethora of junk food in the kitchen and I suffer from fairly serious afternoon snack attacks. I’m in danger of a “healthy eating plan” violation. Help.

No thank you...

April used to tell me that she personally rubbed all the tempting food with bacon, knowing that as a good Jewish girl, I wouldn’t even consider eating it. Without her, this work environment has the makings of a waist-line disaster…

Thankfully my pal RWC has stepped up to fill in as my personal hero (someone get her a cape!). She has made invaluable sacrifices including: eating the last piece of pie to help me avoid temptation, telling me bagels are gross and the cream cheese tastes like refrigerator (you know that taste – ick), offering to share her raw almonds with me, and even volunteering to take me for a walk around lunchtime. She’s a keeper!

But we both miss April. Don’t be surprised if you find us hiding in a corner, hugging each other as we sway back and forth, mumbling incoherently in an effort to keep the loneliness away. At least we are dealing with the pain of withdrawal together…

Back to my corner,


April and Sarah Go on a Diet: Mythical Nourishment and Mortal Imaginations

March 24, 2010 at 9:04 am | Posted in Around Boston, In The Kitchen | 4 Comments
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Other than hallucinations, crumb cravings and oat incidents, April and I have weathered our new “healthy eating plan” well, and have made it through week four without seriously injuring anyone.


During these long, calorie-deprived weeks, I’m fairly certain that our sense of smell has become much keener. Take, for example, our commute home yesterday: as we speed-walked (sped-walked? That can’t be right!) past the Domino’s in Boston’s West End, the scent of pizza wafted into our noses. We nearly stopped (pedestrian) traffic as we came to a screeching halt in front of the pizzeria… And yes, my boot CAN make screeching halts. The aroma of freshly baked dough tickled our noses as the sweet yet slightly acidic tomato sauce and salty, oily scent of melting cheese tantalized us. We gazed longingly toward the pizza shop that, just two months ago during P.D. (Pre-Diet, as that era is called), wouldn’t have given us pause, and wondered if heaven might smell just like that.

As we continued our commute, my erudite friend and I began discussing Ambrosia, sustenance of the Greek gods (and we may also have discussed the more plebeian version of ambrosia – the coconut, fruit cocktail and marshmallow “salad” that April craved when she was preggers but which turns my stomach… That’s not the point… You know how we get distracted… Focus, dear reader(s)).

We may even have expressed our hope that heaven includes an all you can eat gourmet cafeteria that specializes in pizza, chocolate cake, honey roasted peanut butter, milk shakes, nachos, ice cream, beer, cookies, spiced nuts, etc. (Are you there G-d? It’s me, Booty).

Anyway, the heightened sense of smell sounds like a delightful bonus to our slightly more svelte figures, right? Unfortunately our super-sensitive shmekkers also pick up the unpleasant scents, too. For example, walking through a certain neighborhood that shall be left unnamed (but rhymes with seekin’ thrill), we are occasionally accosted by a scent that can only be described as “fish diapers.” Yes, if baby fish ate other fish and wore diapers, that’s what it would smell like on garbage day on seekin’ thrill. Which seems to occur more than once a week. Shudder.

At least the fish diaper smell curbs our appetites!

Here’s to continued success – and nose plugs – in the D.D. (during diet) era!


PS Happy St. Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2010 at 12:14 pm | Posted in In The Kitchen | 8 Comments
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I adore McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes. But I know the shake is a nutritional nightmare. Big props to Schmargaret for finding me a much healthier substitute, Hungry Girl’s Shamrock ‘n’ Roll Shake. Looks delish!


The April of Our Dreams is GIGANTIC!

March 10, 2010 at 9:08 am | Posted in Around Boston | 4 Comments
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April and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. We may shush it every now and then, but we know it is there (hence our constant requests for badges and capes and sometimes our overwhelming desire to make citizens arrests). Well, on yesterday’s evening commute, that delightfully judgmental streak came out in full force!

You see, we had hoofed it to North Station to catch our trains, throwing caution to the wind as we played those dangerous Boston Commuting Games, but when we arrived, our happy little hearts sank as we discovered that our trains were running late… or, as the MBTA announcer stated, they were “deeee-laid.” So we decided to engage in people-watching, one of our favorite activities, and that’s when we saw the offense that made us wish April was gigantic*!

A short man in a fugly cap walked past us and dropped a carton of cigarettes. April had half a mind to tell him, but then she remembered that smoking is bad for him and that he should be quitting, anyway, so she didn’t say anything as he passed us. And then it hit me… He pulled the faux-accidental-drop! The box of butts was empty and the lazy litterer in the laughable hat just didn’t want to make the effort to throw it away! Well, that really got us going…

I wanted to go over to him and angry tap (you know, the tap where you use a very firm pointer finger into the tender area by the shoulder) him on the shoulder, point to the box a few hundred feet behind him, and snarl: “Hey litter bug, you dropped something…and your hat is stupid! Go pick up your empty box of cancer sticks and dispose of it properly.”

We started planning out the conversation (a la Arguing in the Shower) and figured his response would be something along the lines of: “Who’s gonna make me pick it up? YOU? Right, you and what army?”

And that’s when we got the idea that April should be a giant. Just as those rude words left his little mouth, he would feel the earth tremble as a gigantic foot stomped in front of him. All he would be able to see was April’s sneaker and the striped sock she had on over her tights. As he slowly gazed sky ward, he would begin to comprehend just how foe-tastic we were… Heck, he might even tinkle from fear… And then he might try to run, but giant April would reach down and snag him in her enormous hand, and then unceremoniously drop him next to the empty box. She could purse her giant lips, raise her giant (though always well-plucked) eyebrows and tap her humongous foot as she waited for the guy to dispose of his garbage.

And we would be heroes. And probably commute for free from then on. We might even get a parade in our honor, and giant April would let me sit on her shoulder as we moved down the parade route because that’s the kind of friend she is.

Thank goodness our trains were less than ten minutes late…


*Tall gigantic, not obese gigantic.

Still Dieting

March 9, 2010 at 10:30 am | Posted in Office Humor | 10 Comments
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It is week three of our modified eating plan. But it feels like week 647. Tensions are running high. Yesterday I threw part of my granola bar at Sarah after what I interpreted to be a rather snide remark. Innocent bystander Rhymes-With-Cannon assures me it was innocuous. The bit of granola that I threw landed in Sarah’s ear. True story.* Then I tumbled into a black hole of despair when I realized that was my last granola bar. And Sarah gloated after retrieving said bit of granola. If I were like Drew Barrymore in “Firestarter,” Sarah would have spontaneously combusted.

Between hunger pains, carb and chocolate cravings and fiber grouchiness, we are slowly growing hostile. Oh, and someone — Schmargaret, I’m looking at you — thought my desk was the best location for a three-gallon bowl of mini candy bars. I can smell the sugar whenever someone rifles through the selection of delectable treats horrid love-handle makers.

On the plus side, we’re becoming more productive as our colleagues are growing frightened of us. And Sarah “backed herself into a new pair of pants,” according to RWC. Huzzah!


April & Sarah Go on a Diet: Dr. Wilderrol and Mrs. Hoofington

March 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Posted in In The Kitchen, Misc. | 21 Comments
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As you may know, April and I started our “healthy eating plan” (aka diet, but that’s a taboo word these days) about a week ago and, as part of our commitment to keep it up, we will be updating you, our dear reader(s), on our progress every now and again. Day One wasn’t too bad, though it was a little confusing. Week One is, well, let’s just say it is more trying. Especially for those around us. Witness our normally joyful coffee break:

Even coffee cannot bring joy to a dieting Wilderrol...

You see, April and I have been a little grouchy lately*. So much so that we are starting to resemble that famous personality disordered-fellow of literary fame, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Except we’re more like Dr. Wilderrol and Mrs. Hoofington…

Andrew and I once heard someone mispronounce the phrase “in a huff” as “in a hoof.” Apparently it stuck, and now whenever I’m less than patient and pleasant, he lovingly refers to me as Mrs. Hoofington. Shockingly, that little moniker doesn’t do much for talking me down off my emotional ledge! But I admit that occasionally the nickname is warranted. For example: April and I nearly came to blows over a piece of her oats and honey granola bar.

En route to our train after a particularly difficult day, our stomachs started talking. Truth be told, they were exchanging fighting words (grumbles?). And then it happened… we both noticed that April had a single oat stuck between her teeth from the oh-so-delicious granola bar she had eaten for afternoon snack. And that oat looked mighty tasty… She pried it out, held it up triumphantly and cried: “Snack time for me!” and then cackled like a crazed witch in a kid’s movie. As she started to put the delicate morsel on her tongue, I lunged. It was an out-of-body experience: my hunger drove me to violence! And April, well, April is pretty scrappy and she responded in kind.

Picture a scene from The Matrix (The Oat?) or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (Crunching Tiger Hidden Crumb?) – except instead of trained assassins and ninjas, it was two gals on a diet, and instead of some futuristic alternate reality or lush arboretum, we were standing on a busy thoroughfare in Boston’s West End. Yeah. Not our best day…

(Okay, so that may not have actually happened, but that’s exactly how we both played it out in our minds!)

Desperately Seeking Snacks,

*Don’t get us wrong, there have been other factors at play regarding our “baditudes”… but we’ll blame the diet!

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