LinkedIn: Join My Professionally Sleazy Network

August 16, 2011 at 2:43 pm | Posted in Spam | Leave a comment
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By now I’m used to skeezy junk mail.  I’m even getting used to faux twitter accounts.  But LinkedIn has always been a bastion of professionalism (aka the network I use to connect with business associates I don’t necessarily want to “friend” or, who, for their part, don’t necessarily want to “friend” me!  Though I can’t imagine why…).

But lately, even LinkedIn has been getting spammy!  And/or I’m acting all Plastics and totally insulting someone’s “fetch” moniker.

Take, for example, the request I recently received to connect:

Who are you, Mr./Ms. MagicFingers?

Apparently, Mr. (or is it Ms.?!?) MagicFingers thinks we’re friends.  Now, I’m a popular gal – a maven, if I do say so myself – but despite the vast tens of people I know, I generally remember the names of all my friends.  So either I’m getting too popular for my britches, or JD is trying to pull a fast one on me and pretend s/he knows me in order to trade on my blog-celebrity.  Not cool, JD.  Not cool.

But if, in fact, we are friends (and I’ve rudely forgotten about my relationship with Mr./Ms. MagicFingers), then not only have I forgotten about him/her, but I’m also insulting him/her by implying that his/her surname sounds like a ridiculous made-up name that’s probably spam – and sketchy spam, at that.

Either way, teasing out this mystery is far better than engaging in home improvement tasks, so I’ll puzzle it out for a bit longer.


An Old Married Lady Already?

October 4, 2010 at 8:21 am | Posted in Spam | Leave a comment
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I won’t even be hitched until this weekend, but already society has written me off as old married lady. Don’t believe me? I got this in the mail on Saturday:

AARP says I should be retired already... count me IN!

That’s right – apparently I now qualify for membership in the American Association of Retired Persons. Ummm… Yeah…

In my quest to always find the silver lining, I’ve decided to interpret this as a sign that I shouldn’t work anymore. Apparently it’s time to retire, and that sounds dreamy to me! Andrew, however, is less than taken with the idea, citing the reality of bills, saving for a down-payment on a house, supporting our future children (don’t get too excited yet, Mo, RWFOTB and mom-in-law Kathy: this is not our way of saying I’m preggers). He is clearly not seeing the bigger picture. 

Another plus? I love early dinners and early bedtimes – I think I’d make a lively addition to the early bird special club, the news programs are too depressing these days to bother staying up past 10 p.m., and the modern marvel of “Digital Video Recording” (or whatever you kids are calling it these days) will ensure I can watch all my stories at a reasonable hour – like 8 p.m., when I treat myself to my nightly glass of warm milk.

And finally, the benefit that really sold me: senior discounts! Forget student rates (don’t judge, Andrew is a student again!), seniors have the discount market cornered! Restaurants, attractions – you name it, they can save! So count me in, AARP!


(but you can call me Mrs. Wilderrol, you rude little whipper-snapper)

Good News & Bad News…

August 24, 2010 at 9:11 am | Posted in Spam | 9 Comments
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Well, dear reader(s), I have some good news and I have some bad news.   

The bad news: soon I won’t be able to comprehend your meager existence and petty little lives – I’m about to become far too important for that.  

The good news: I just found out that I inherited “the sum of thirty million, one hundred thousand dollars ($30, 10000.00)”  

I'm filthy stinkin' rich!


That’s right!  The late Engr.Kruger Kroger made me a beneficiary in his “last test of will” and now I’m rollin’ in it!  Good thing Barrister Addison Joseph Esq. emailed me a third (and final) time, or I might have missed out on this amazing stroke of luck.  

And now, let us observe a moment of silence for my newly discovered best bud, Kruger Kroger…  

… And, the moment is over.  You may speak again.  But not to me.  I’m too important for that now.  


Not So Hotmail

August 10, 2010 at 9:31 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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Yesterday my MOH, Rhymes-with-Tzarina, was feeling a little under the weather. Being the kind, caring, thoughtful, considerate (should I keep going with the adjectives or do you get the picture?) gal my momma trained me to be, I checked in with Tzarina periodically throughout the day. Or at least I tried to…

Apparently Hotmail decided my message of concern sounded a lot like spam and prevented me from sending it. I’d like to submit the following screen shot as evidence:

Hotmail says I'm full of junk!

I tried re-writing it dozens of ways: changing the message, capitalizing letters at the beginning of sentences (admittedly I don’t always do that when I’m sending off a quick personal note), and reworking it into actual paragraphs. I tried sending it alone, with the history text, removing my “cultural” words (oy, for example). But Hotmail wouldn’t let me send it and I kept receiving the same message.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the added security. What I don’t appreciate is the nincompoop way they are implementing it. As I struggled for over 30 minutes to send my message to Tzarina (finally having to compose a totally separate email), I received at least five junk mail messages. At least! Each contained terms like Cial1s, Sex Meds or Ro1ex watches. Clearly spam messages. But they made it through without issue.

What about my original communiqué would make the Hotmail gods interpret it as spam? Should I start incorporating terms that made it through the filter in my messages? Would it be awkward to inquire about Tzarina’s health and recommend that she bribe her doctor with a luxury Ro1ex watch so he will prescribe some little blue pills?

I sense mischief afoot. And I don’t approve.


Spam Says Baaah!

March 18, 2010 at 8:07 am | Posted in Spam | 4 Comments
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The Black Sheep of the Email Family Strikes Again!  

e-Spam... Ick!

It has been a long time since we last blogged about the delightful spam our inboxes are blessed with, so today we will revisit one of our favorite topics – and will do our best not to boast!  

Yesterday afternoon, April and I both received an informative email from none other than “eMail.” Try not to be jealous – we can’t help the fact that we’re so charming that the one and only “eMail” is reaching out to us via email! It’s an even bigger honor than if “pHone” were to phone us, but we won’t dwell on that.  

And, while we aren’t trying to rub it in, we should tell you that international pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has also been in touch with very special deals- for a limited time only! In fact, the deals are so special that our doctors can’t even prescribe this stuff to us. Apparently Pfizer saves the super secret blockbuster drugs like Vicodim and Persocet for their most exclusive clientele – us – at up to 80 percent off! Very thoughtful, Pfizer. This won’t go unrewarded!   

And then there are all those unclaimed packages from FredEx! Boy, we must have some adoring – but slow – fans out there! While we appreciate the gifts (and please keep them coming), it would be great if you verified our address so we didn’t have to reply to FredEx with our actual mailing address, social security numbers and credit card info for verification purposes. Just saying – we are busy ladies who can’t take the time to email every UrPS, FredEx and DHLy to ensure we get our fan mail! You understand…  

Sending you spam mail wishes and junk mail dreams!  


What’s IN there?

October 8, 2009 at 8:00 am | Posted in Spam | Leave a comment
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You know we at Factinis & Factomelettes love us some junk mail! Lately I’ve noticed an interesting trend: I’ve been getting junk mail from several delightful spammers (I’m talking to you, Risa Weedert, Wilfredo Burnette, Kimberlie Augustus and Tom Cruise…), all with the same subject line. Normally, this would have something to do with “CH3AP Meds,” discount software, luxury watches or “Permanent En1argement.” What makes these spammers different is their focus. You see, I keep receiving emails asking:

“What’s in Obama’s butt?”

That’s right – not “what’s UP Obama’s butt,” they want to know what’s IN it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s probably poo. Then I’m going to recommend that Risa, Wilfredo, Kimberlie and Tom revisit the popular children’s book, “Everyone Poops.” And I’m not looking into this matter any further. Even presidents need bio-breaks!


PR Titans

August 31, 2009 at 1:17 pm | Posted in Office Humor, Spam | 2 Comments

You are reading an entry written by an accomplished individual. And not just any old accomplished individual, but one of the world’s most accomplished individuals. That’s right, I am being considered for inclusion in the “Who’s Who of Business Leaders and Professional Honors.”

Are you impressed? I am. I mean, just to be considered is an honor. Chris Jespersen (if that is his real name), the managing director of the publication, assures me that this honor is only shared among thousands of people worldwide. Not a handful. Not hundreds. Thousands. That’s exclusive enough for me.

Lest you be concerned about the high price of admission to such an elite group, I want you all to know that the application is free. And they will not charge me to be included, should I pass their undoubtedly high standards. Those standards, by the way, must be so high that they have already assessed my qualifications before even considering my inclusion. The application I was invited (no less than three times) to complete only wants my contact information. Clearly, they’ve done all the leg work. Which is good, because someone of my stature does not have time to fill out lengthy applications. That’s what my people are for. Or that’s what they would do, if I had any people. But I don’t. That’s the sign of a truly important person. I’m too important for people.

Now don’t get too excited – I’m not in for sure. Although I feel pretty good about this. It’s not like everyone has gotten this email. I’ve already started writing my acceptance speech, in which I don’t thank anyone because no one has put in the sweat and blood (I literally open a vein every time I write a pitch) that has gotten me this far.

Wait, what’s that, Sarah? You got this, too? And you were also called a “Titan of PR?” Everyone in PR gets these emails? That’s why they go to our junk folders? Hang on while I deflate my head…


The Big Time!

August 26, 2009 at 7:57 am | Posted in Spam | 2 Comments
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You know you’ve made it when the subject lines of junk mail mention you by name. So, kudos to you, Rachael Ray (or, as my Spam folder indicates, “Rachel Ray”) for having such amazing weight loss success with the Acai Berry Solution; and to you, Larry King, for discovering an alternative CanadienPharmacy; and, apparently, I deserve congratulations, too!

Despite a blunt message from “Laran Steiner” about finding a cure for my “stupid face,” I am proud to report that I have earned a surfeit of advanced degrees. In fact, I have received and/or been nominated for 117 master’s degrees within the past month alone.

Here’s the kicker – I didn’t even study for these! I don’t apply for them! They just gave ‘em to me! That’s how smart I am. In fact, I now have so many advanced degrees that Facebook and LinkedIn don’t even have enough spaces per page for me to list them all. I am, apparently, totally overqualified for pretty much everything. But I’m willing to dismiss my full potential to live and work with the common folk who need fewer tacky frames on their office walls.

In addition to learning that my intellect is so valued, spam mail has also shared very thought-provoking issues with me. Granted, I don’t actually read any of these emails (I am, as you’ve heard, smarter than someone who would fall for that), but their subjects always pique my curiosity. For example, here are some of the fun facts I’ve received in the past week:

· Simone Mora sent this message: “Summer is coming! Are you ready?” Well, Simone, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, since you sent this email on August 25, I may respond with the dates of the solstices and equinoxes. How embarrassing for you!

· Astrid Shehab wrote: “I offer you strange deal.” This is intriguing… picture Astrid typing the subject in a remote castle in a far away land some dark and stormy night. What could this “strange deal” be? Supernatural powers? All the gold in Transylvania? Or, is it simply a lunch-time trade offer of her Twinkie for my dirty socks? We may never know – but we can be assured that it was strange.

· Ashley Gipson sent me an interesting proposal: “Now you can receive the pleasure of this life again.” Not to be morbid, but is dear Ashley implying that I’m deceased already? And furthermore, that I can be resurrected in order to experience hugs and taste chocolate cake again? Perhaps I shouldn’t have blacklisted her after all…

· Brandie Simpson wrote: “Enjoy the delicious taste of having a monster in your pants.” I don’t even know where to go with this one… Let’s all take a minute to reflect on this… and move on…

· And, last but certainly not least, Mona Avery sent a very helpful email entitled: “Beware fake enhancement products.” Goodness knows I receive a lot of spam about enhancement products (don’t look at me like that – you do, too!), but sometimes it is so hard to tell the fake ones from the real ones. So thank heavens for you, Mona. Perhaps someday you’ll find your name in the subject of a junk email, too, and you will know you’ve finally made it to the big time, just like Rachael, Larry and me!


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