I Hit My Mother-in-Law’s Car!

September 19, 2013 at 8:00 pm | Posted in Family, Married Life | Leave a comment
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Alternate title: Please tell me spiders (and frogs) are good luck!

A few weeks ago I ran into my mother-in-law’s car.  Yup, she was here selflessly taking care of my little one so I could save money on daycare this summer, and I backed right into her car.  And even though I continue to be mortified to this day, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be teased about it for the rest of my marriage, I hold firmly to the fact that it wasn’t my fault!

You see, I’d had a very weird week.  On Sunday there was a spider literally THE SIZE OF MY PALM on my car door.  It was horrible.  Ho. Rih. Bull.  In fact, it was so big and scary that we for reals had to shoo it into an empty spaghetti sauce jar, then dump it on the ground and hit it with a BRICK to kill it.  True story!  A BRICK!

Well, it seems that really angered Her Royal Arachnid, because for the rest of that week I was plagued (that’s not an exaggeration – it was totally biblical, people!) by eight-legged jerks out for blood.  On Tuesday I awoke with a “mysterious” bug bite on my arm and saw a creepy crawler meandering up my bedpost.  “How do you like me now, you with your cement bricks?  WE KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP!”  I swear it was saying that as it slowly, menacingly crept on (until I made Andrew murder it, too).

On Wednesday we had a consultant come in to the office for a meeting.  As he placed his briefcase on the table, I noticed a spider clinging to it.  He noticed it, too, as did my boss, but instead of just squashing it like a NORMAL PERSON, he gingerly picked the little psychopath up and gently placed it on the floor.  Well, wouldn’t you know it: not ten minutes later, that little rhymes-with-mass-toll was crawling up my leg.  TRUE STORY.  I somehow stifled my scream until I could flick it off my pants (thank heavens I wasn’t wearing a skirt!), but needless to say I spent the rest of the meeting on high alert for a revenge-fueled interloper.  This consultant was clearly in cahoots with the arachnids.  Is that a valid enough reason not to want to work with someone?

And now we come to the day of the accident (which I still contend wasn’t my fault).  On Thursday, as I was backing out of the garage, a spider literally sprang down from the ceiling of my car and practically landed ON MY NOSE, which, as you can imagine, is why I backed into my MIL’s car (hangs head in shame).  I was under attack!  War had been declared!  The spiders were using guerrilla warfare tactics!  I had no refuge!  Not my house, not my office, definitely not my car… I was doomed!  And also late for work.

The only upside to the incident was that I thought the Great Arachnid War of 2013 was finally over.  The pests got their revenge (because really, is there ANYTHING more awkward than hitting your MIL’s car and blaming it on a spider?).  I waved the white flag.  I gave up.  And Friday passed without incident.  I regained my confidence, stopped looking over my shoulder, and tried to scrub all this from my mind to prevent future creepy-crawly nightmares.

That night before bed, I opened the front door to take the dog out, and realized the conflict wasn’t over… it was escalating.  Hanging onto my screen door, Mission Impossible-style, was a FROG.  Seriously!  A frog!

So I did what any gal would do – screeched (without waking the baby), pulled the dog back inside and begged my husband to walk her.  And he’s been walking the dog at night ever since.  Because once multiple species get involved, you KNOW you’re in trouble…

And yeah, I called Terminix for an extra visit the next day.

love mother in law

How I Saved My Child with a Dirty Diaper

March 23, 2010 at 9:07 am | Posted in Misc. | 6 Comments
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Remember how I said my apartment was being overrun by winged ants because all of the other animals in my house — including the spiders — were too darn lazy to do anything about it? Well someone must have warned the spiders that I was pissed, because the little guy that lives near my sink stepped up and starting feasting on ants. So I allowed him to continue living. And every week I’d clean up the carcasses so he could start fresh. I even kept an eye on his progress. I know, it sounds horrific, but it was kind of fascinating. Everything was too small to see any detail.

So Sunday I was minding my business, carrying a freshly diapered Max down the stairs on my way to toss his dirty diaper in the trash, when I noticed a clump of brown string on the floor. I bent down to pick it up, but something told me to not touch it just yet. Are you cringing? Because I feel like you know where this is going. I instead touched the string with the dirty diaper — and the string started running. It was a hairy brown spider! And that M-F’er was hauling.

I screamed and jumped back up on the stairs, still holding the baby on one hip. Still shrieking, I smashed the spider with the diaper, and then went running through the house (still in hysterics and with a baby on my hips) screaming, “I need my shoes! I need my shoes! I need my shoes!”

Once I had my shoes on, I set the baby down on the rug and sat down on the couch to calm myself. And Mike was sitting on our other couch observing the entire scene.

Mike: Did you just kill a spider?

Me: With a dirty diaper. I thought it was string.

Mike: Are you going to throw away that diaper?

Me: Do I have to?

And then the dog went to investigate, so I had to throw it out. Rest assured it took me 15 minutes to work up the courage. And I whimpered the entire time.

~April

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